The Secrecy of Infertility*
April 19-25 was National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is a topic not historically or commonly shared and discussed, even in the most secret of places and closest of families. I realize this now more than ever because of my conversations behind closed office doors. Infertility, miscarriage, abortions, not wanting to have/carry children are all REAL issues affecting very REAL people much more than we think.
What I often hear or see is that with the revelation of miscarriage or infertility, a person then discovers that their mother, aunts, sisters, close friends, or other family members may have experienced some of the same struggles.
As it pertains to infertility, thoughts surrounding shame, embarrassment, bias, and lack of resources can keep some folks silent. In light of this, I would like to offer a few tips and facts to consider if you’ve been facing these struggles or know someone who is or has.
1- There is a myriad of causes for infertility, and there are also unexplained reasons. As far as classification goes, there can be female factors, malefactors, a mix of both, and then the unexplained. In addition, same-sex couples may have their own struggles with infertility and face additional biases when seeking care. This also goes for POC. The rates of infertility are high in communities of color but reporting infertility and seeking care can sometimes be slim to non-existent. It is important that we share this information with trusted providers so that adequate care and help can be offered. Takeaway: Infertility causes vary; use your voice so that screening and diagnosis can take place early if possible.
2- A vacation may not cure all of this. You may have heard that some folks who have been trying to conceive for an extended time, spontaneously conceive while on vacation, in the process of surrogacy/IVF/adoption, or when they are able to ‘forget’ or ‘release’ all the pressure that is on them. While I have seen this happen, it is so important to not solely rely on this as a problem-solving method to infertility. Plus—who TRULY forgets that they want to have children?! Newsflash: a vacation will not solve some of the factors that can be addressed with proper diagnosis and treatment. Timing can be critical so it is important to reach out for help amidst your efforts to conceive. Which leads to the next point.
3- Age makes a HUGE impact. Let’s get right into it: if you are less than 35 years old have been persistently trying to conceive for over a year (12 months) it is time to seek help. And if you are age 35 or older and have been trying to conceive consistently for 6 months without a pregnancy, likewise, it is time to seek support for conception. Takeaway: age matters! While it is still possible to have a healthy pregnancy/conception with the increase of age, it is important to note that, for a number of reasons, including age-related genetic risk factors, early management of infertility may help the chances of a viable pregnancy (please be advised, this is not a guarantee).
Another note: you can get pregnant on the days prior to and after the actual ‘ovulation day’. It truly is a fertile ‘window’(a few days where conception can occur)! If we are talking penis and vagina or even syringe and vagina/uterus—the egg must travel, the sperm must travel, eggs usually last for about 72 hours, and sperm can last for up to 5 days. So, you can see where the timing of fertilization can be precise. Try often, try on several days, and if you meet any of the criteria above and have been actively trying, ask for help.
4- Count the cost of treatment. Methods to achieve fertility can be QUITE expensive. We are talking THOUSANDS of dollars and very little insurance coverage in some instances. The chance to even be seen by an infertility specialist can be denied for those with insurance. Yes, this needs to change, but until we reach these transformations, prepare to invest in your conception. IVF (in vitro fertilization), the more commonly heard method of conception/reproductive assistance but not the only aid, can cost at minimum $10,000 (USD)—and this is a low-ball number. This does not include the medications needed for harvesting eggs (a process to produce and retrieve mature eggs), consultations, and lab work. Also consider, that these processes may have to be repeated several times before a pregnancy/fertilization occurs. Takeaway: Cost of conception is a critical factor!
5- Invest in healing resources that work for you. This includes, but is not limited to, finding a provider who supports you and your drive for a family—no matter how that family is built. As I mention often—if possible, keep searching for a provider that works for you because it is your right, despite it being a privilege for most! Infertility and trying to conceive is a difficult process. It is important that you utilize or curate healing modalities. This can happen through therapy, journaling, exercise, and bodywork, talking or not talking, blogs or groups dedicated to infertility, and sharing your story. This may also be considered as part of your investment in yourself and your fertility. Takeaway: Find ways to grieve, heal, and grow during such a transformative time as this.
I hope the above information and tips help you or someone you love in their journey through infertility. There is so much to learn and discover through this process. While I know this does not solve anything, it is important that you know you are not alone. Many people (1 in 8) face these same issues and there are providers and supporters who truly do want to help you achieve the family that you are looking for. As always, take what you need from this, consider sharing your story if you struggled or are struggling, and I encourage you to reach out if you need the help. I also hope that this sparks conversation and more awareness about infertility and ways we can support folks going through this.
*As best as possible, I attempt to cover as many types of relationships and parenting types as possible, however, the reader may find that not all examples apply to their circumstance, how they identify, and/or type of relationship they are in.
